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Tutor's Critique for Second Draft
and Final Draft
Tutor's Critique for Second Draft
and Final Draft

Score: 6/6

Dear Karen,

Your essay looks great!

I was so pleased to note that you successfully fixed all the grammatical errors, as well as completely retooling your introduction. I hope you can see for yourself how much better this second version fits the essay as a whole. Splendid job.

I was also happy to see the way you chose new words – “persevere” and “setbacks” being two examples – to fix some of the problems in your first draft. I can tell you aren’t going to have any problems with word choice, because you seem to have a very good vocabulary.

Also, excellent job with the sentence structure variation in the last paragraph! Now that you understand how to go about varying your structure, I hope we can continue to improve on it in future essays. Remember that combining sentences and adding introductory phrases are great ways to vary sentence structure.

For next week, as you start your next essay, I want you to remember how important it is to have a strong introduction and thesis statement upon which to build your draft. Please take a look at the Essay Writing link on our web site for more information on how to plan your essay and write a good thesis statement. Next week we can discuss transitional phrases and conclusions.

Attached below is my final version of your essay. Please compare it to yours and study the ways in which I have improved upon the original, especially with regards to the vocabulary, phrasing, and transitional phrases.

All in all, great work. I look forward to seeing next week’s essay!

Sincerely,
Bill

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< Final Draft >

Title: Valuable Failures

Failure: synonymous with defeat, deficiency, and collapse, the word itself is certainly discouraging. But does failure always have to be a negative experience? In fact, many failures can eventually lead to accomplishments, success, or valuable knowledge; not only can we find examples of such valuable failure in our everyday lives, but also in momentous historical events.

For many typically successful students, the first taste of real failure comes with the arrival of college rejection letters. Even smart and accomplished students can be rejected from elite schools, and when that happens, it might be easy for them to see those letters as a rejection of them as people. But teens who resist that impulse and persevere despite setbacks will learn a useful lesson about how to manage the rejection that they are bound to experience later in life; instead of allowing discouragement to overtake them, they will be stronger and more resilient, and better prepared to meet the disappointments they may face in the future.

To examine valuable failure on a much larger, less personal scale, we can turn to what is known as “NASA’s most successful failure”: the mission of Apollo 13. The Apollo 13 spacecraft was en route to the moon when an oxygen tank on board exploded, putting the crew in a life-threatening situation while they were 200,000 miles away from Earth. Fortunately, the crew and NASA scientists back in Houston were able to find a solution to their predicament, and everyone returned to Earth safely – but the mission itself was a failure. However, thanks to the Apollo 13 crisis, NASA scientists were able to collect valuable information about the risks of space travel and how they could build safer spacecrafts in the future. They used the information garnered from this disaster as a foundation for future success.

Failure is nobody’s first choice as an outcome, no matter what the endeavor. But when faced with failure, whether it is a personal setback or a calamitous disaster, we can choose to see it as a stepping-stone to success, rather than a boulder in our path.