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Tutor's Critique for Second Draft
and Final Draft
Tutor's Critique for Second Draft
and Final Draft
Dear Lauren,

You did a great job of improving the organization of your first draft! Your introductory paragraph was attention-grabbing, with lots of specific details ("Some people were not even allowed to go to the store to buy their groceries"); the thesis statement told me exactly what your essay was going to be about. I also appreciated the way you improved the topic sentences of your paragraphs -- try to do that in the future with all of your essays.

Next time, you might want to work on making your topic sentences a little more complex by including more detailed information. We can also start working on varying your sentence structure.

I'd also like you to continue thinking about how to be more specific in your writing. For instance, in your paragraph about the freedom to vote, you talk about "some Communist countries" that had terrible leaders. Your writing would be even more convincing if you could think of specific examples of Communist countries and leaders.

Finally, for next time, think about how to write a good concluding paragraph. You can find more information about the conclusion on the IvyTown.com website, under Tips on Essay Writing.

Attached below is my final version of your essay. Please compare it to yours and study the ways in which I have improved upon the original, especially with regards to the vocabulary, phrasing, and transitional phrases.

Good job on the corrections -- I appreciate your hard work.




< Final Draft >

Title: The Importance of Freedom

My Jewish grandmother has told me many stories about the years she spent living under the rule of a terrible dictator, Adolf Hitler. Even simple freedoms, such as the right to go to the grocery store, were unavailable to her. Her stories make me truly appreciate the freedoms I enjoy in America: to choose my own religion, to vote in fair elections, and to speak my mind without fear of reprisal.

Freedom of religion is a critical right, one that many people throughout the world do not have. A woman in Afghanistan can be harshly punished for driving a car or showing her unveiled face in public, because some Afghan leaders impose their own strict religious beliefs on others. Fortunately, Americans can exercise freedom of religion: we can worship in any church, synagogue, or temple we choose – or even none at all. When I think about the violence that religious extremism can cause, I value the freedom of religion more than ever.

The freedom to vote is just as important as freedom of religion, because a country’s leaders can wield a great deal of power. When leaders are not elected by the citizenry, tyranny may flourish. For example, in some Communist countries, a leader could arrest those who publicly disagreed with him and even have them killed. Because American leaders must be elected to office, they avoid making decisions that could cause them to lose an election. The freedom to vote gives more power to the citizens of a country than to its leaders.

The right to vote, therefore, is a consequential one, but many people agree that freedom of speech is more important than any other. Without it, reporters would not be allowed to write critical articles about the government; all books and movies would be censored; and citizens could not protest unfair treatment by the government. Freedom of speech ensures that our leaders will be held accountable for their actions, and it allows us to express ourselves openly without fear of punishment by the authorities.

When I consider how constrained my grandmother’s life was in Germany, or how limited the liberty of Afghan women is today, I feel luckier than ever to live in a country that gives its citizens so much freedom. Although we may sometimes take these freedoms for granted, we should occasionally take time to pause and appreciate the independent, autonomous lives we lead.